This post is about my thoughts on my interactions with people at my place of employment and their comments to me about my body post-baby. I may use the "f-word." Feminism, guys, calm down! Ok. I may also say fuck. Because now that I have a kid, I have been trying really hard not to swear around him even though I enjoy swearing. So writing it here to a bunch of adults is my only outlet. Deal with it. But back to the issue at hand: people thinking they can comment on other people's (usually strangers) bodies.
A bit about where I work: my public library is situated in one of the largest suburbs in Milwaukee County. But it is a very blue collar, aging suburb, not a wealthy young one. Because I work with the public, I have heard everything: from being hit on to being called a "bitch"- I've dealt with it all.
Shortly after I returned to work post-childbirth, I had a regular male patron who made a comment about how I was losing my baby weight really quickly. I'd interacted with this patron on a regular basis and estimated that there was some sort of developmental something-or-other going on. Though the comment annoyed me, I patiently explained that while I might be losing weight quickly after having a baby, not all women did and no one on earth should expect them too since their bodies would never be the same again. I thought that was enough of an explanation and that he would drop the issue. But he kept saying things about how I "looked good" and while I really wanted to yell at him or at least say "that is totally inappropriate! I'm being nice to you because it is my job, not because I am flirting with you!" I simply ignored him.
A few days ago, a different male patron made a comment on how I "seemed to have lost a lot of weight."* I was ENRAGED. I took a beat and all that came out of my mouth was "Uh, I had a kid." Then we went back to looking for the book he wanted.
Yesterday, a regular female patron who I know well (we greet each other by name, ask about each others families etc.) commented that I had lost a lot of weight. That's all it was- an off the cuff mention and then she was on to talking about the newest People magazine. But again, this made me angry.
I had posted something on Facebook a few days ago about how inappropriate these kinds of interactions were- that no one should ever comment on the body of a person they don't know. I don't care if you think it is a compliment, don't do it! The reactions I got from friends and family varied widely from "OMG men are pigs!" to "I'm sure he meant it as a compliment." But here I was, still ridiculously angry about it.
Because here's the thing: I'm not happy about all of the weight I've lost.
I won't go into the whole feminist "women are continually objectified in society and it needs to stop" rant (though that is COMPLETELY true). That fits this situation, but it's more about the fact that I am not comfortable in my post-childbirth body. Before I had a kid, I was relatively secure in my happiness about myself and even though that happiness wasn't based on looks, the fact that I was comfortable or at least familiar with my face and body for the past 28 years didn't hurt. It's been ten months since I had my baby and I don't know if ten years would be enough time for me to feel comfortable with my body again. God I hope so.
True, I weigh less than I have in almost two years. But I am covered in permanent* stretch marks from chest to calves. I have spent more money on clothes since I got pregnant than I could ever even admit, but none of my clothing fits me and I feel very uncomfortable about this. I've never worn makeup on a regular basis, a fact that I am now very aware of due to the dark circles under my eyes.
Here's the other thing: I know that all mothers go through this. We all feel this in some form or another. But when someone makes an unwanted comment about my body (my weight, the fact that I look tired or sick, whatever) it makes that feeling of self-consciousness explode exponentially. So do yourself a favor the next time you want to pay a compliment to a new mother (hell, any mother!): ask about their kid(s) then congratulate them on the fact that they are somehow managing to balance everything in their life. Because that shit is HARD. That compliment goes so much further than telling me I look skinny. I'm skinny right now because I never have time to eat, not because I want to look skinny. I teeter on the edge of thinking I am an absolute failure on a daily basis even though I know this isn't true. I'd rather have someone notice that I seem to be alive and wearing appropriate (though perhaps ill-fitting) clothing while at work.
What about you? Please tell me someone out there has decked a "well meaning" guy who commented on **
*To whoever said that "those pregnancy stretch marks will fade with time": I'd like to extend a big old FUCK YOU! Just like losing weight or getting or not getting hemorrhoids, stretch marks are a person by person type of thing. You might get really lucky and only see them for a few months, or you may have them for the rest of your life. Like all of the other changes with your body post-kid, you just have to learn to live with it. This is easier some days than others. Even if you'd like to think you aren't obsessed with body image. It's just hard.
**Edited to include my original intent. Plenty of women have had a problem opposite to what I experienced. Again, it's all part of your personal journey and your body and it isn't anyone's goddamned business! The same goes for non-mothers and men.
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